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SAN ANGELO, TX—The obnoxious drunk hitting on Lloyd’s girl was in need of a serious beating, but it’d have to wait until he hit the gym for a couple more months.

Food 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST Executive chef Ruff Goldstein rushes to create a lasagna that looks like a flock of penguins for an event at the Columbus Zoo.

WASHINGTON—A resolute President Obama warned Tuesday that if Iran remained unwilling to halt its nuclear program, the United States would consider any and all options at its disposal short of whisking away the Islamic republic's leaders using a hook...

Area Man Hears Self Say He's A 'Big Chicken Pot Pie Guy'

On Star Fix, entertainment insiders say this might be the year Hollywood's favorite leaf, which has appeared in more than 60 films, finally takes home the Academy Award.

Dear The Onion, My wife makes the best spaghetti in the world. How do I get her to make it more often without having to admit that I like it? Randolph Tiggs, Chicago

According to the ad-tracking firm Kantar Media/CMAG, the percentage of Republican primary attack ads increased from 6 percent in 2008 to 50 percent in 2012.

NEW YORK—Pushed to the breaking point after constantly being taken to task for its shortcomings without ever hearing so much as a word of thanks for everything it does around here, an overwhelmed and infuriated nation announced Wednesday that it was...

Crush Lasts Nearly Entire Bus Ride

Little League World Series to Begin Testing Players For Mustaches

While watching a young mother struggle with her a child at the local pharmacy, Margerie Hempstead respectfully held herself to a disapproving glare instead of explaining the proper way she would raise a child.

$7.98 (+$.13) (+1.66%) Shares jumped after Bank of America marketing researchers finally found some fees their customers love.

Conversation Successfully Completed Without Single Mention Of Netflix Queue

TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an unfortunate instance of ill-timing, mixed martial artist Pat Schrode finally discovered the feeling of true, unrequited love Saturday morning just hours before his fight with Kyle Hendrix.

Aries Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you. Tau...

For some people, March Madness begins in March, and it’s tied to college basketball, but not me!

CHICAGO—Saying she wanted to "end things the right way" and not leave any painful, unresolved issues lingering between them, area woman Deborah Oster confirmed Wednesday she has been letting boyfriend Greg Norfolk down easy for the pa...

An Emory University study published in the journal Current Biology shows that common fruit flies often seek out fermented fruit for nourishment in order to self-medicate against the threat of deadly parasitic wasps.

Ted Kennedy's crying ghost disrupts Congress and a pilot crashes in the Kardashian wilderness, in today's NewsBlitz.

Ducks Only Interested In Area Man's Bread